ps. i wonder if there's some sort of universal law that says i can only blog after midnite and before 6am?

something is wrong. i havn't felt absolutely miserable about living in seattle for the past few days. why? i can't actually be happy here, can i? am i in denial? (no, it's in egypt, ha ha ha.) have i forgotten how much better i like the world out there? how much closer to God i feel out there? why should i have to settle for less than... or maybe i'm looking at things the wrong way. maybe i should forget. maybe i'm holding on to something that i ought not hold on to. i've always thot that one shouldn't dwell in the future or the past... but rather in the here and now... at the moment the past certianly has one up on the here and now gig. but there is a place for remembering the past and dreaming up the future.. balance i guess. don't got much of that 'round here at the moment...

besides.. i can't fool myself completely.. i know there's still something missing.. that nebulous feeling when i'm out there.... why is it so hard to describe? um.. as if there's a part of me, we'll call it my heart for lack of better terms, that is only truly happy when i'm not here, in the states. the rest of me can be kind of happy, but when the distractions stop, i remember that my heart is somewhere else... i want, all i want, is to live a life where my heart isn't longing to be somewhere i can't be. how am i supposed to live life to the fullest when every other thot is "i wish i wozn't here, i wish i were in england, i wish i were in mexico, south america, italy, turkey...." ...perhaps even africa! altho i'm not sure about that.

erg! so now even if i'm not crying myself to sleep over being here, i'm kept up late at nites wondering and worrying about when the misery will return. great.

i have issues.

and now i'm going to bed.
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